I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
