He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
