I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
