my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I need moral support for this bender
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
