i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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