Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
