Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize