matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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