The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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