I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
