There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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