I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I hope mine doesn't look like that
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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