You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
