the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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