i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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