Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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