i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
