I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
