Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
