one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I have fence marks all over my body
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
