the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
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just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
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Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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