I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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