we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Randomize
