Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize
