Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
