I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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