At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
