I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
