just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
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