____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
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my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
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He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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