I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
