one word: firstdatebathroomanal
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
