Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
