She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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