i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
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I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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