Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
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