ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
