is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
This is the high leading the old right now
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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