I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
