Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You're like the curious george of whores
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
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