idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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