is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
