no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
