I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
