Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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