Who did Billy Mays play for?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
COCAINE IS GR8
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
