Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
