its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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