True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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