So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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