So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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