I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
