I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
