she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
