grandma shit on top of the toilet
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
