She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
