ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
