Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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