An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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