Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
