Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
